Love & Forgiveness (Part 1)
I hadn't ever really given much thought to forgiveness until I got sick. I knew I felt things that were making me unhappy but I thought that was normal. My normal was obsessing over feelings DAILY to the point where they took over my whole life. But when you're in that place, it becomes your ‘normal’ and you don't consider anything else. My friend Gill calls it the ‘fish bowl effect’. I love this. Fish don't know they are in a bowl until they come out and look at where they've been. They've just been swimming around thinking that this is life. It’s only when they get out of the fish bowl do they realize how the walls were limiting the direction of their lives. And that’s how I view our emotions. We don't appreciate how our feelings are affecting EVERY part of our lives until we come face to face with them and get of the ‘fish bowl’.
Which brings me to this...
About a year before my health diagnoses, I saw a “Forgiveness Coach”. This was one of the biggest eye opening experiences of my life. It was after our sessions together that I realized just how much forgiving I needed to do. Not only of others but of myself too. It was such a game changer that it's hard to express to you how much.
And it went a little something like this:
Me: “Oh, hello contempt, anger, resentment, & hurt. What are you doing here? I feel sick. Go away!”
Crappy feelings: “We are not going anywhere! Oh my dear, you have no idea just how much you need us. We are here to wake you up and to heal your heart, your life and your health.
Me: ‘Shit. It sounds like it will be a bumpy ride’
Crappy feelings: “It will be. But what’s your alternative? Are you happy? Is your life what you want it to be?”
Crappy feelings: “Well then, we have some work to do, don't we?!”
Me: “I guess. I am scared.”
Crappy feelings: “It’s okay to be sacred. You have been taught to run away from your feelings your whole life and now I am asking you to step up. You have every right to be sacred.”
Me: “I guess that is supposed to make me feel better?” (laughing)
Crappy feelings: “Yes. Not working?”
Me: “No. Ok, maybe a little.”
Crappy feelings: “Oh Good. And I promise you, Francesca, if you really come face to face with us, feel us like you never have before, and choose to learn from us, your life will open up in ways that you never thought possible. So are you ready?
Me: “Yeah, let’s do this.”
There they were. The little f*ckers. And they were right. I had some serious ‘waking up’ and healing to do. And as uncomfortable as it has been going into that place where you really FEEL for the first time, it’s the best thing I have ever done.
***(By the way, when I say the journey has been uncomfortable, I want you to know that THAT is the biggest understatement of the year!!! I have been on my knees crying, sobbing and going into darkest places I have ever known. But don't let that scare you off because where there is darkness, there is the potential for light and the ‘light’ is exactly what you will get.)
So back to the health diagnoses. These came almost a year after the realization that forgiveness was something that I really needed to deal with in order to get some semblance of a life. And it was through learning about feelings and their influence on our DNA and potential for disease that I took the thought of forgiveness very seriously. And so I started the ‘work’. The ‘work’ that would ultimately set me free and help heal my diseases….