THE REAL DEAL...
My only regret in life (if I had to decide that I had one that is), would be that I didn't reach out more to others when I was at my lowest points in life. That I didn't take that step in letting others help me when I was feeling lower than low. I feel on some level that because I went so many years denying myself that feeling of comfort that comes with bearing ones soul to another, that I feel so compelled to be that rock to others now.
I think the biggest things that I have struggled with my whole life is feeling unwell paired with a deep sense of loneliness and unworthiness. And if I have felt sick, unworthy and lonely, that you means you have too. But I am here to tell you that you are not alone. You are NEVER alone.
The thing is, I have nothing to sell to you. No magic bullet, no magic formula on how to be happy and to create your best life. And the reason I don't is because YOUR solution is unique to the story that lies in you. Our stories make us who we are and we can either drown in them or we can thrive on them. I was drowning for a while until I decided I didn't want to anymore and the chances you're at that turning point too.
In 44 years, I have built up a lifetime of stories and hurt that until recently I paid no attention to. But then 3 years ago, I took notice when my health took then kind dive I don't wish on anyone. It was July 5th, 2015, I had just moved back to the U.S. and my estranged mother died 6 hours after I landed. I had been living in England for 9 years and had decided to come back. I was 41 then. It is the 3 years following my mothers death that have led me down a path of deep introspection, finally coming to terms with who I was and who I think I am meant to be. It hasn't been pretty but it’s the best thing I have ever done AND it's turned my health and life around.
Since coming back to Charleston, things have felt really really hard. Not so much in a depressive kind of way, although I have struggled with depression most of my life too, it was more a sense of complete detachment from any thing and any body. A sense of numbness that made me feel like I was just going through the motions without any real sense of joy and meaning. It felt like having a life without really living it. Like hanging from a thread with no sense of purpose or value. Then there was my body. It was was breaking down. Most days I felt like shit and my limbs felt like tree trunks. I was so tired that putting away laundry seemed like the biggest of tasks. And don't get me started on my sleep. It was like I had suddenly lost all ability to get a good nights sleep. I was at a turning point and I needed to choose another a path. Or perhaps that path chose me. I like to think it works both ways.
So in came all of the healers and all of the lessons that I so desperately needed which is where you come in…
So what DO I have for you?
My story. My healing story of my mind, body and spirit.
Honest. Raw. And candid.
And if in some way, it positively affects ANY part of your life, then my purpose is fulfilled.
You see, I tried the conventional medicine approach but it wasn't bringing me the kind of relief I had been hoping for. Heck, it hadn't my whole life. I have been on every kind of pill to treat every kind of symptom. So I sought another way and it required a huge leap of faith from the mainstream message we get about how to make ourselves better. The solution is “outside” they (mainstream) tell us. But intuitively that didn't feel right to me. I mean, if emotions and feelings are energy and I am 98% energy, there is a very strong argument for thinking that whatever “emotional stuff” I hadn't been dealing with my whole life was just sitting inside of me. Festering and infecting my every cell of my body and its very function. For me, that made complete sense. So I decided that I was going to heal myself from the inside and that included facing parts of myself that I had purposefully ignored my whole life. I didn't just want my symptoms to be cured, I wanted to heal on every level, to purge myself from any possible emotion and feeling that was not only holding me back from achieving my best health but my best life as well. I wanted to really make sense of WHY my body had broken down and why I had been running away from people and problems my whole life. I wanted to understand ME on a physical level as well as on an emotional, mental and spiritual level too AND, dare I say, maybe even start to love myself. And so that’s exactly what I have done and am STILL doing. Healing deep from the inside in ways that I could never have imagined for myself.
So as you can imagine, ALOT of shit has come up. From those in my life I haven't forgiven, conflicts in my life I haven't resolved, insecurities and inadequacies that never have been addressed, hurts that have never been healed, fear and terror that has never been made peaceful, grief has never been fully processed, loneliness and unworthiness that has never gone away, confusion that has never been cleared, pride that has never been transformed into humility, and the list goes on and on and on…..And it’s been sitting inside of me for 44 years. How on earth can THAT not have affected my health and my life?! Well, it has and I am here to share with you how dealing with all of this is slowly transforming my health and my life in ways that were once unimaginable. In a way no pill I have ever taken has allowed me to feel.
So this is where you come in….
YOU SEE, I BELIEVE THAT IF WE REALLY, TRULY & FULLY KNOW OURSELVES, THEN WE CAN CREATE THE BEST LIVES FOR OURSELVES.
If I can just help ONE person feel capable and empowered by their own healing ability, then my heart will feel full. I have felt too lost for too long to not give back in some way. To not contribute to someone else's needless suffering. My hope is that by sharing my vulnerability with you, you will allow yourself to be vulnerable too. The courage to look inside yourself and to grow from whatever point you find yourself will be the bravest thing you will ever do. And you can do this. I know this because I am.
In my next blog, I will slowly start to unfold how my mind, body & spirit path is radically changing my life.
Thank you for coming on this ride with me!!
Loving all of you,